Journeys End?

This was the blog I didn’t want to write…..

Having left you all with renewed hope & optimism after our short break, I really didn’t want to come back and report doom & gloom. Thing is when you have too much time at hand your thoughts began to wander & fester & grow deeper…………….

It started well, with a renewed zest, I set out afresh, emailing & telephoning agencies, searching for work on the internet, sending  out CV’s, but still no joy. The problem you see is I am up against far too many others with qualifications that blow mine away!

So I sit at home, on the computer, searching & hoping for something to materialise. Trying to find ways to earn some money, which is why I put out so many article on Triond, hoping that at least this might take off!

But the thing is, I am scared, scared of going back & scared of going forward…..

What will life hold for me? As long as I am off I am not securing a future for my family. The mortgage is on interest only so I am not repaying it. But what do I do? I owe it to my family to earn an income, but the job I was doing meant 12 hours a day plus. To earn a salary that I was earning I will have to go back to this & this is what I am scared of!

Being unemployed has helped me find a person I thought had long died & now he is awakening & I don’t want to lose that. I am most certainly at a crossroads & as I think & let my mind wander I grow deeper in doubt about what it is I can now do?

Writing wont bring me a fortune, no publisher is knocking on my door, Triond wont help, so what am I, what is left?

This is the blog I didn’t want to write but I have & it hasn’t helped.

My following poem is really a reflection of my inner thoughts at this stage, its deep, it ponders but it doesn’t answer, it just dwells……………..

Journeys End?

I struggled down a beaten coast

Whilst wind & rain besieged my mind

Yet through the clouds the sun would shine

A glimpse of hope for outstretched hands.

I pray for times to clear themselves

When thoughts are free from troubled woes

But as I feel a change in wind

My journey’s cut in staggered throes.

And as my love holds on so tight

To dreams of age that bring a smile

The fear of now that grips my mind

Is beat & broke amidst denial.

I felt the wind cut through my bones

As rain soaks through my weathered coat

And storms ahead have gathered strength

That threaten tiles upon my home.

I rush inside to flee the rain

To face a mirror standing proud

I glimpse to look within the glass

Yet see the pain upon my frown.

I spite the truth so buried deep

That cuts the mote beyond my gaze

As fears are fought in battles lost

Whilst punished times will always stain…….

Maybe I think too much, maybe I dream too much? Maybe I just want more than I am capable of & havent, as yet, accepted that I’m not as good as I thought? Or maybe I have & knowing that I’m not is what scares me?

Without belief we are nothing. this is the blog I didn’t want to write………………………………..

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34 Responses to “Journeys End?”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Pete Marshall. Pete Marshall said: Journeys End?: http://wp.me/pSxdi-4I […]

  2. I love this poem , strong sad and deep in meaning.I appreciate your judicous use of nature elements.well done Pete.

  3. Pete, there’s always hope. There have been so many times in the course of my life when it seemed it was journey’s end, like I was some sort of puppet being played and toyed with. I can even give youmy ages at these times — 21, 28, 35, 46, 48, 57. these weren’t little upsets but major, life-wrenching upheavals, including a bout of unemployment. when I was 35, I had three blows in a six-month period — the death of my father, my job in shambles and a blow-up that ripped my church.

    I read the poetry you wirte, and I know that you have hope, too. There’s always hope.

    • Hi Glynn, its amazing how humanity can stretch across this earth….one of the strong points of the internet! I know its only a blip in my own self doubt but nevertheless I am also finding writing this blog not just self healing but also helpful to others…thanks Glynn

  4. Elleword Says:

    Pete .. you’re brilliant bud .. you don’t like being caged up in a workplace, fair enough 🙂 You’re not stupid man .. if anyone can make money online, you can. You are capable of thinking with crystal clarity and you’re a rational thinker. You will need to monetise all your work because it’s worth it for starters! [I’ll get back to you about that]. A melancholy piece written by a man who believes he’s in a crisis that he thinks he can’t get out of .. wrong! .. you have multiple talents and one of them is getting yourself out of a crisis!! Now stop this nonsense and start believing in your ideas and ability to change your current situation :-))))))) A sense of humour is a prerequisite to true intelligence .. heard that one before Pete? 😉

  5. It is helping others and maybe that is your reason!!!

  6. soon you will see lovely days. dont give up on hope. its ok to vent out your frustrations through your creations- we all do that.

    my prayers are with you.

  7. never give up, you are as normal as anyone else,
    hang it there,
    hope is in the way….

    beautiful and strong poem.
    thanks for sharing!

    Please nominate one poet by commenting to let me know,
    thank you in advance!

  8. Pete, you are NEVER ALONE..
    if you read my blog ..when I first started when I was still struggling with my life as a single mother….I was so confused. I cannot even write well…you can imagine the frustration, the fear with so such justification…to our negative thoughts…
    I read your poem and I feel your despair but you are also very realistically optimistic. The mere fact that you know you are at crossroads, already solved half the actual problem…
    we all worry too much because we are human and while we are processing our thoughts , we will be restless…
    I am 45, I thought I am not a risk taker but when I look back, I was one and … I am so blessed that in spite of the challenges, I arrived at your post, your blog…

    YOU ARE NEVER ALONE…
    NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, IT JUST TAKE A LITTLE LONGER…

    hugs
    shakira

  9. your words reflect the pain and frustration your are feeling now…
    hopw everything will be fine soon ,,,

  10. Pete, I want you to know that your poem touched my heart. You are not alone, Jesus said, “I will never leave you nor forshake you.” He also said, “I will give you the desires of your heart.” Now whatever you desire has to line up with what He has planned for you. But no matter what happens in life there is alwars hope. It is good to dream my friend no matter how far out we think our dreams are. You can do anything that you set your mind to, with a lot of hard work to get you there. Go for whatever it is you want to do and ask Jesus to help you. Turst me He will walk with you every step of the way, and when you are tired and can’t walk another step He will pick you up and carry you. I know in my 64 years of life He has carried me many times. I came through lung surgery after 3 doctors said I would not live through it, but here I am 2 years later do great. I will keep you in my prayers Pete. By the way my new friend, you do have talent, a very special gift from God. Whatever you do don’t give up, anything worth having is worth waiting for.

  11. keep your spirit high my dear friend. i can feel the light reaching out to you. soon it will be past.

    take care.

  12. mairmusic Says:

    I read the fear in your post, but then the strength in your poem. You are in a hard situation but I admire the way you are holding on. If the quality of your writing is an indicator, predict success.
    http://mairmusic.wordpress.com/

  13. I loved your writing! This poem gives credence to the saying, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” We are thinking and feeling creatures both. Your poem is heartfelt, and has a live all its own as it reaches out.

  14. Luke Prater Says:

    Painful, tough, real, beautiful… carving some evocative imagery out of the block of poetry marble… this one has a great flow and constant rhythm running thru it; rhymes there are, though you seem to mix the rhyme-schemes up a bit. Nevertheless, nice work 🙂

  15. hi luke, & many thanks for your comments. I must admit i do tend to try and keep from the rhyme whilst slipping it in unnoticed, if that makes any sense? This one was very close to heart so thanks for your appreciation, cheers Pete

  16. Joe Suzz Says:

    Man, i was just looking through your stuff when i stopped to take a closer look at this one. man, i connected with this poem.

    • This serious is obviously very close to heart, if you can connect then i hope you were able to ride through the period successfully, cheers Pete

      • Joe Suzz Says:

        yeah, i am trying. i got medical bills through the roof, and i dont know how i am going to pay em. its just gonna take a long while. But it just another thing to weather. a few years back our family got foreclosed on and my dad’s business failed. But im still here and my family is getting by alright.

        you are going to get through this man.

      • Hi Joe, sorry to hear all that, times do get tough & try as I might to stay positive I do slip at times… Wiritng this series of My Struggle With Unemployment has certainly made me realise that I am not alone, and although I know so many people were hit you don’t really accept that others are in a similar or worse position.. you become very insular!!!!!

        I am due to do some more work on this series but have deliberately kept away because its too personal and when i start putting it together i slip back into the realisation of what I am. Its as if I am frightened of it at the mo..does that make sense?

        I have just got back to feeling positive again & that’s good for my kids, wife & me…maybe I will tackle over the weekend….

        Thanks Joe & keep in touch mate

  17. pete I have been there, I know how u feel, but after interview interview and more interviews I finally got a job, yes its temp, but could lead to ft, so its a start, never give up hope mate 🙂

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