Journeys End?

This was the blog I didn’t want to write…..

Having left you all with renewed hope & optimism after our short break, I really didn’t want to come back and report doom & gloom. Thing is when you have too much time at hand your thoughts began to wander & fester & grow deeper…………….

It started well, with a renewed zest, I set out afresh, emailing & telephoning agencies, searching for work on the internet, sending  out CV’s, but still no joy. The problem you see is I am up against far too many others with qualifications that blow mine away!

So I sit at home, on the computer, searching & hoping for something to materialise. Trying to find ways to earn some money, which is why I put out so many article on Triond, hoping that at least this might take off!

But the thing is, I am scared, scared of going back & scared of going forward…..

What will life hold for me? As long as I am off I am not securing a future for my family. The mortgage is on interest only so I am not repaying it. But what do I do? I owe it to my family to earn an income, but the job I was doing meant 12 hours a day plus. To earn a salary that I was earning I will have to go back to this & this is what I am scared of!

Being unemployed has helped me find a person I thought had long died & now he is awakening & I don’t want to lose that. I am most certainly at a crossroads & as I think & let my mind wander I grow deeper in doubt about what it is I can now do?

Writing wont bring me a fortune, no publisher is knocking on my door, Triond wont help, so what am I, what is left?

This is the blog I didn’t want to write but I have & it hasn’t helped.

My following poem is really a reflection of my inner thoughts at this stage, its deep, it ponders but it doesn’t answer, it just dwells……………..

Journeys End?

I struggled down a beaten coast

Whilst wind & rain besieged my mind

Yet through the clouds the sun would shine

A glimpse of hope for outstretched hands.

I pray for times to clear themselves

When thoughts are free from troubled woes

But as I feel a change in wind

My journey’s cut in staggered throes.

–

And as my love holds on so tight

To dreams of age that bring a smile

The fear of now that grips my mind

Is beat & broke amidst denial.

I felt the wind cut through my bones

As rain soaks through my weathered coat

And storms ahead have gathered strength

That threaten tiles upon my home.

–

I rush inside to flee the rain

To face a mirror standing proud

I glimpse to look within the glass

Yet see the pain upon my frown.

I spite the truth so buried deep

That cuts the mote beyond my gaze

As fears are fought in battles lost

Whilst punished times will always stain…….

Maybe I think too much, maybe I dream too much? Maybe I just want more than I am capable of & havent, as yet, accepted that I’m not as good as I thought? Or maybe I have & knowing that I’m not is what scares me?

Without belief we are nothing. this is the blog I didn’t want to write………………………………..